My sweet baby,
I'm not exactly sure why I started this blog. I haven't decided whether I will be using it just to write letters to you, to vent, or just to write down my thoughts as Daddy and I continue on this journey of trying to get pregnant. I think I may just use it for whatever I need it for because going through this journey causes you to need somewhere to just write down your thoughts. Very few people know that we are trying for you, and the only two I ever talk to about it are Daddy and Grandma. Sometimes, I feel as though I am burdening them. They have never made me feel that way.... It's just me being me, I guess.
Daddy and I have been trying for you for 11 months now. It feels like so much longer though. We decided to start trying for you only a few weeks after we got married. I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember, so I didn't want to have to wait much longer to have my dreams come true. When I was little, I would do nothing but play with dolls for hours and hours. It was my favorite thing to do...pretend to be a mommy. Growing up, if there was a baby around, I would be watching the baby, smiling, wanting to hold him or her. I love to feed babies, burp them, put them to sleep, cuddle them, and even change their diapers. I just love taking care of a tiny human. It's so satisfying to me.
When I was younger, I would dream about having a baby one day. I have always known that I want lots of kids. When all of the other girls around me were wanting 1 or 2, I would always tell them that I want at least 4. Some people thought I was crazy, but that's ok. When Daddy and I started trying for you, I was so excited at the thought of becoming a mom. I was excited at the thought of seeing your daddy become a dad. Month after month passed, and I kept not getting pregnant. I was shocked when I didn't get pregnant within the first 3 months because statistics told me that I should have. So, naturally being the worrier I am, I began to worry about what was wrong with me.
I joined groups online to reach out to others who were trying to get pregnant as well, and I eventually joined a group on Facebook with some great women who are trying to become mommies, too. It's been great for me to have people to talk to who understand what I'm going through, but at this point, many of them have already achieved their goal of getting a baby. Which makes me feel like I can relate to them less and less. When the talk of baby bottles, car seats, baby carriers, and strollers start, there isn't much that I can say. Yes, I have knowledge of those things from growing up with 4 little siblings, but talking about those things with no baby on the way somehow feels wrong to me now. I can't talk about those things without a deep longing in my heart that almost literally just makes me ache to hold you.... even though I've never even met you.
I try not to think about the fact that I don't have a baby. I try not to think about the fact that I should have a 1-2 week old right now. But my mind won't let me forget it... not even for a second. I'm reminded whenever I walk into Target and see the tiny baby clothes hanging on the racks. I am reminded when I see a friend of mine on Facebook announce that they are pregnant or announce that their baby has been born. I am reminded when I receive an email from Babies "R" Us reminding me of all the things my 1 week old should be doing right now... because if I would have got pregnant when we first started trying, that's how old you would be right now.
I would give anything to be cradling you, burping you, nursing you, and loving on you right now... Instead, I am writing this. I see people posting pictures of their babies online, and I so wish that that was ME posting pictures of my precious baby, and I often wonder why it isn't. I am so, so happy for those people who have been blessed with babies, but it still breaks my heart all the same when I see what they have and what I don't.
Even though there are lots of women who struggle to have a baby, I never thought that I would be one of them. I never thought that I would have a hard time getting pregnant, and that I would be one of those women using ovulation tests, obsessively tracking their cycle, etc. just to try to get pregnant. I knew that having a hard time getting pregnant was a possibility, and it was one of my biggest fears as I got older. The thought of not being able to get pregnant or it taking me a long time to get pregnant scared me to death. I never thought it would happen though because I have 5 siblings. If my mom got pregnant pretty easily, I always thought I just would, too. And now, I feel like my worst nightmare has come true.
I think about you all of the time. I wonder what color your hair will be, what color your eyes will be and if you will resemble me or daddy. Will you have my blue eyes and daddy's dark hair or will you have daddy's brown eyes and my light brown hair? Will you have light skin or tan skin? Will you be a boy or girl? Will you be our little Noah James or our little Everleigh Mae? Will you be an easy baby or will you fuss a lot? Will you take right to breastfeeding when you are born? Will you have a full head of hair or just little bits of peach fuzz? No matter who you are, no matter your eye color or hair color, no matter if you cry a little or a lot, you will be perfect. Not just because you are my baby, but because you are a beautiful child of God. You are His one of a kind creation. There is no one else like you. I haven't met you yet, but I already love you so much. I can't wait to hold you one day, my dear baby. Until we meet.....
Love,
Mommy
I'm not exactly sure why I started this blog. I haven't decided whether I will be using it just to write letters to you, to vent, or just to write down my thoughts as Daddy and I continue on this journey of trying to get pregnant. I think I may just use it for whatever I need it for because going through this journey causes you to need somewhere to just write down your thoughts. Very few people know that we are trying for you, and the only two I ever talk to about it are Daddy and Grandma. Sometimes, I feel as though I am burdening them. They have never made me feel that way.... It's just me being me, I guess.
Daddy and I have been trying for you for 11 months now. It feels like so much longer though. We decided to start trying for you only a few weeks after we got married. I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember, so I didn't want to have to wait much longer to have my dreams come true. When I was little, I would do nothing but play with dolls for hours and hours. It was my favorite thing to do...pretend to be a mommy. Growing up, if there was a baby around, I would be watching the baby, smiling, wanting to hold him or her. I love to feed babies, burp them, put them to sleep, cuddle them, and even change their diapers. I just love taking care of a tiny human. It's so satisfying to me.
When I was younger, I would dream about having a baby one day. I have always known that I want lots of kids. When all of the other girls around me were wanting 1 or 2, I would always tell them that I want at least 4. Some people thought I was crazy, but that's ok. When Daddy and I started trying for you, I was so excited at the thought of becoming a mom. I was excited at the thought of seeing your daddy become a dad. Month after month passed, and I kept not getting pregnant. I was shocked when I didn't get pregnant within the first 3 months because statistics told me that I should have. So, naturally being the worrier I am, I began to worry about what was wrong with me.
I joined groups online to reach out to others who were trying to get pregnant as well, and I eventually joined a group on Facebook with some great women who are trying to become mommies, too. It's been great for me to have people to talk to who understand what I'm going through, but at this point, many of them have already achieved their goal of getting a baby. Which makes me feel like I can relate to them less and less. When the talk of baby bottles, car seats, baby carriers, and strollers start, there isn't much that I can say. Yes, I have knowledge of those things from growing up with 4 little siblings, but talking about those things with no baby on the way somehow feels wrong to me now. I can't talk about those things without a deep longing in my heart that almost literally just makes me ache to hold you.... even though I've never even met you.
I try not to think about the fact that I don't have a baby. I try not to think about the fact that I should have a 1-2 week old right now. But my mind won't let me forget it... not even for a second. I'm reminded whenever I walk into Target and see the tiny baby clothes hanging on the racks. I am reminded when I see a friend of mine on Facebook announce that they are pregnant or announce that their baby has been born. I am reminded when I receive an email from Babies "R" Us reminding me of all the things my 1 week old should be doing right now... because if I would have got pregnant when we first started trying, that's how old you would be right now.
I would give anything to be cradling you, burping you, nursing you, and loving on you right now... Instead, I am writing this. I see people posting pictures of their babies online, and I so wish that that was ME posting pictures of my precious baby, and I often wonder why it isn't. I am so, so happy for those people who have been blessed with babies, but it still breaks my heart all the same when I see what they have and what I don't.
Even though there are lots of women who struggle to have a baby, I never thought that I would be one of them. I never thought that I would have a hard time getting pregnant, and that I would be one of those women using ovulation tests, obsessively tracking their cycle, etc. just to try to get pregnant. I knew that having a hard time getting pregnant was a possibility, and it was one of my biggest fears as I got older. The thought of not being able to get pregnant or it taking me a long time to get pregnant scared me to death. I never thought it would happen though because I have 5 siblings. If my mom got pregnant pretty easily, I always thought I just would, too. And now, I feel like my worst nightmare has come true.
I think about you all of the time. I wonder what color your hair will be, what color your eyes will be and if you will resemble me or daddy. Will you have my blue eyes and daddy's dark hair or will you have daddy's brown eyes and my light brown hair? Will you have light skin or tan skin? Will you be a boy or girl? Will you be our little Noah James or our little Everleigh Mae? Will you be an easy baby or will you fuss a lot? Will you take right to breastfeeding when you are born? Will you have a full head of hair or just little bits of peach fuzz? No matter who you are, no matter your eye color or hair color, no matter if you cry a little or a lot, you will be perfect. Not just because you are my baby, but because you are a beautiful child of God. You are His one of a kind creation. There is no one else like you. I haven't met you yet, but I already love you so much. I can't wait to hold you one day, my dear baby. Until we meet.....
Love,
Mommy
You are so brave Ashley. Thank you for letting us into your journey. I'm so happy that you now have Noah - he's so perfect!
ReplyDeleteI cannot even imagine this... but in a way my heart does hurt a little that we are done having babies. The decision to get my tubes tied has left me feeling pretty sad. I'm grateful for the babies I do have and grateful I never experienced the loss of a baby like my mom and sister have. Greg and I held our breath with every positive test. We once got a diagnosis of a chromosome disorder for our first child which ended up being false. Children or the lack of children will always break your heart. Now that you have your beautiful boy you will want to stop time to keep him from getting older. I'm so happy you got your answered prayer. He will be more and more of a blessing every day to you just wait and see!
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